I was born a skeptic. I am not kidding. Since I can remember I have always been skeptical of people’s intentions or motives which is probably why I have always danced to the beat of my own drum. Because mine was the only one I trusted. There is no one thing to blame for this. It’s a combination of my upbringing by a hard-working single mom and my no non-sense personality. I don’t have time for foolery. Regardless of what caused it, it really prevented me from being open to love. And as I reflect on my first year of marriage I am sure it was not until I broke down my own wall that God sent my husband directly to my door (not literally).
Black women have trauma unlike any other. We do not have time to discuss it all today. But all that trauma leads to walls as tall as Mount Everest. And I have heard women say that they need to find someone who is strong enough to break down these walls. But I disagree. You need to be strong enough to break down your own walls. You need to be mature and secure enough to determine the origin of these walls through therapy, self-reflection, religious counseling, etc. It’s your responsibility. Why? Because no one else is responsible for you happiness and how dare you unload all of your trauma onto someone else. That’s the making of an unhealthy, co-dependent, relationship. If you do not break down the walls yourself, the remnants of them will always exist and it will prevent you from moving on. Walls are security blankets. They are the result of constant hurt, failure, and disappointments.
If I did not break down my walls myself, this first year of a long distance marriage would have been HELL. Marriage is holy. So ask yourself why would God send you something that you will destroy. That’s not God sis. You will hear me say it a million times: God will not send you what you’re not ready to receive. So work on you first. Get strong for yourself or every relationship will end the same way.