I Use To Think I Was Too Difficult To Love

There is nothing wrong with you. You just haven’t met someone moving at the same speed as you.

My Daddy

I am a walking statistic for a black woman that is lease likely to be married. I am an engineer with a PhD that works as a scientist who also happens to be a BLEMINST (Black Feminist). It is no secret that black women in general are less likely to get married than any other race/ethnic group, but it is even worse for college-educated black women. A 2015 study found that a black woman with an undergraduate degree is less likely to be married than a white woman without a college degree and that black women were more likely to marry someone without a college education. But I am not here to school you on statistics but to tell you how my love life shaped my outlook on myself.

a black woman with an undergraduate degree is less likely to be married than a white woman without a college degree

Before my husband every situationship, relationship, and all that in between ended with the same conclusion……I was too difficult to love. But what was difficult about me, sure I could be hot-headed at times and it is no secret that I have a no nonsense personality but I am also fun, loving, and kind. I was no different than the white, brown, and black women that surrounded me everyday. And let me be honest I wasn’t dating idiots these were college-educated men doing wonderful things in the world and should I say not all of them were black. So it made me reflect and do some deep soul searching because I wasn’t lowering my standards. Every relationship started off good as they all do but then the power struggle would start. The more they learned about me or should I say the things that detail my C.V. the more they tried to “one up” me. If I made a joke, I thought I was better than if they made a joke they were just kidding. If I talked about an achievement, I was bragging if they talked about one I was supposed to be happy and congratulate them. If you know me, then you know I do not ever talk about my achievements because those things don’t define me they are just rewards for my hard work. However, the things I’ve done to get those accolades do define me and I wasn’t going to stop being myself to satisfy someone’s ego. One guy wanted me to quit grad school and relocate to where he lived……that quickly ended. And it when it ended he said what all other guys had said, “you’re doing too much”, “you have too much going on” and “you’re too difficult”.

So I said what most women in my position say…..“screw it, I am ok being by myself”. I thought well maybe who I am is too difficult to love, maybe I do have too much going on and maybe I am a statistic. I recall a conversation with my dad where he told me that I shouldn’t want to be easy for a man and that one day I was going to meet someone moving at the same speed as me. I thought it was just dad talk so I ignored everything he said and went back to thinking, I was hard to love. Now I am not saying that this is a woman of color thing but all my brown and black friends were going through the same song and dance as me. We had all been sold a pipe dream by men who had made us think that the problem was us.

And then I met my husband and for the first time a relationship was easy and calm. There was no power struggle just laughter, peace, and unconditional love. I had someone who was a cheerleader and not a hater. When we had a disagreement, I wasn’t made to feel it was always my fault. He welcomed me with open arms and I felt comfortable being myself (even if I sometimes drive him crazy 😉 ).

In reality I was never difficult to love and it wasn’t until that moment that I realized that. I just had not met a person moving at the same speed as me, as my dad had once said. There was also nothing wrong or bad about the men I had dated, their insecurities prevented them from accepting me whole heartedly. When we are afraid or scared we say things are difficult or hard because it is easier to blame it on something else rather than dealing with ourselves. So no you are not difficult to love you just haven’t met the right person yet and I know this from experience. And you’re only a statistic if you believe you are. If you want a positive result you must think positive. God will not send you what you are not ready to receive.

From Aeriel, With Love




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